Emotional Expansion

Compassion is fuelled by understanding and accepting that we’re all made of strength and struggle—no one is immune to pain or suffering. Compassion is not a practice of ‘better than’ or ‘I can fix you’—it’s a practice based in the beauty and pain of shared humanity…..Brene Brown

Even though I've been out of school for quite a few years, I still think of September as a new beginning, and a time to ponder all the things I put off doing during the summer.

Writing a newsletter would be one of them as well as designing an online communication course and further developing my Facebook Practice Compassion Group.

I should note that getting into a regular stretching practice and eating less ice cream are top of the list too!

This summer, Brene Brown’s Atlas of The Heart really got me thinking about the nuances of emotions, and the quote above (from the book), helped me get even a clearer picture of the intricacies of compassion, and how its an essential part of empathy.

The connection between language and emotion is an important theme of the book, and how our feelings are limited by ability/inability to identify emotions.

For instance, a person might say that they are angry (surface emotion), without really understanding that what resides underneath are feelings of disrespect, helplessness and/or fear. When we can understand the nuances of our feelings (beyond anger, sadness and happiness) the limits of our emotional world are able to expand.

This is exciting for me personally and therapeutically, because the development of emotional vocabulary then becomes a direct window into the ability to express/understand feelings.

For example, if I understand that my sadness is actually about feeling shame, I can then take this insight and learn to be more self-compassionate/empathic, which is a fundamental part of healing.

That’s it for now, and you’re welcome to check out my FaceBook Self-Compassion Practice Group for weekly quotes/ponderings.

Hope everyone is enjoying the last days of summer,

Jason

Safety Always First?

The desire for safety stands against every great and noble enterprise……Tacitus

These wet September days have given me time to reflect and consider the role of my own "safe place.” Safety is very important to us all, and so many peoples' struggles are related to not feeling safe while growing up and experiencing some form of abuse or trauma as adults. In my professional work, helping support clients develop a sense of safety in themselves, their environments, and in other people is a central part of therapy.

Another important part of personal development and healing relates to Tacitus’s declaration, which involves stepping out of one's comfort zone as a way to grow and mature as a person. It's rather paradoxical in that we all want to feel safe, but often in doing so deprive ourselves of those things that we truly desire and need.

An example of this would be someone who suffers from social anxiety. By deciding not to go to a party, event, or gathering, they may feel a sense of safety and comfort. However, in doing so they may suffer by feeling isolated and disconnected. As social creatures, we all want to feel securely attached to others, but sometimes safety and comfort can get in the way of maintaining and cultivating those connections.

Safety may also involve avoiding having those difficult conversations with friends, family members, or partners. This may allow some short-term comfort, but in the bigger picture creates more distancing, resentment, and feelings of aloneness.

Another example would be not taking a professional risk, like quitting your job, asking for a raise, or seeking a promotion, because there's a fear of the unknown. Yes, there's a certain safety in doing so, but the cost could be the loss of a great opportunity or getting the acknowledgement and recognition you deserve.

 There’s a great podcast called We Regret to Inform You which discusses how people have experienced tremendous forms of rejection, yet willfully continue to step into the unknown. For instance, actor Mark Ruffalo auditioned for 800 roles before finally getting a break that launched his career. 

 Stepping out of your comfort zone can take a great amount of courage and, as the podcast reveals, a supportive network of people that rally around you, especially when overwhelming feelings of doubt, fear, and uncertainty arise.

 It can start with just one courageous small action, which can develop into finding your voice, connecting with others, and personal evolution!

The Practice of Shinrin-Yoku (Forest Bathing)

Throughout the pandemic one of things that has been a constant in life has been my weekly walks in nature. Today, I even left my phone in the car, and tried to practice what the Japanese refer to as shinrin-yoku, which involves (from my understanding) slowing down, and really connecting with the senses. It’s amazing how much sensory bandwidth opens up when one decides to be intentional, focusing on what is literally right there. The tiniest mushrooms growing out of a recently fallen tree, the sound of a distant river, the smell of whatever nature smells like after a heavy rainfall.
 
Sure, there was that time when I thought to myself it would be nice to have my phone to capture this spectacular double waterfall, but did my best to just appreciate the now of it all. The challenge at times with being present/engaged is how much our minds are continually pumping out narratives, often revolving around the possibilities. Likewise, when those possibilities have seemingly past, the mind creates new stories of what could/might have been.
 
Getting caught and lost in these mind-loops can have a hefty impact, causing one to feel frustrated or annoyed, and can provoke stronger emotions like anxiety, anger, distress, even panic.
 
As an antidote, shinrin-yoku can be likened to the mindful practice of letting things in - including our thoughts, feelings, and body sensations, letting things be - allowing the experience to unfold and be what it is, and letting things go - appreciating and accepting what was and moving our attention back to the present moment.  
 
The amazing part or being in nature (forest, park or hanging out with your favourite house plant) is that it’s not only a great place to mindfully engage with your senses, but also has the remarkable side effect of restoring energy, vitality and a source of rejuvenation.  
 
The thought of leaving your phone at home and going for a walk might seem daunting, uncomfortable or even ridiculous, so you might want to try treating it like an emotional or psychological experiment. Notice what feelings, thoughts and body sensations come up for you, and remind yourself, “I’m going to let this in, let this be, let this go…….."

Power With

If you have come here to help me, you are wasting your time. But if you have come because your liberation is bound up with mine, then let us work together………..Aboriginal Activist Group, Queensland 1970s

We can mistakenly think that being compassionate is just about understanding/helping other people.

What often happens, even with our best intensions in mind, is that we end up taking on a role of power, creating a dynamic of being the saviour, the fixer, the one to be dependent on.

Though this role may feel empowering, it often perpetuates a sense of helpless, dependence, even emotional/psychological enslavement.

What if we took the approach of power with, wherein respect, mutual support, solidarity, and collaborative decision making becomes the modus operandi.

How would that change the way you respond and see people?

How would your approach change if you didn't think in terms of us or them, but rather the collective we?

Below are the links to my Instagram account and the dedicated Facebook group, and feel free to share your answers/comments.

Private FaceBook Group + Instagram
 

Wishing Everyone Peace and Wellness

We are not the survival of the fittest. We are survival of the nurtured.

Louis Cozolino

I've had moments this week that I let fear get the best of me, which compromised my ability to be kind, compassionate and patient. I’ve been working so hard on my own compassion practice, so felt quite disheartened by my own difficulties of actually applying it to the community around me. 

What I realized is that during this time of great uncertainty my capacity to be compassionate to myself and others got displaced by the fear of getting ill and not having enough. What I remembered was that this need to protect ourselves and the people we hold dearest is how we survived as humans. All of these rather dark emotions can be very much attributed to our psychological evolution-keep myself and those closest to me safe.

Survival of the fittest is a reaction to our fears, and what I have to continue to remind myself is that nurturing (of myself and others) is the more conscious /mindful response. When we’re feeling anxious or scared it seems rather counterintuitive to nurture and be compassionate, but in fact, this is where the transformative practice begins.

This is indeed a great opportunity where we can learn to be better nurturers to ourselves, the people we hold dearest, and all our communities.

 Peace and Wellness,

 Jason

 *Please don’t let any economic stresses get in the way of reaching out to me. During these turbulent times I want everyone to feel like they have some kind of support, and we can talk about a financial arrangement that works for you. Currently, I’m working with all clients through either phone or video platform. 

Follow Your Blisters....What?

Mythologist Joseph Campbell coined the phrase "follow your bliss", which signified putting oneself on a path that has been there all along, wherein “wherever you are—if you are following your bliss, you are enjoying that refreshment, that life within you, all the time”.
 
Later in life, Campbell professed that “I should have said follow your blisters”. Lately, I’ve been contemplating this idea by looking at how this has played out in my own life as well as in modern-day stories. If we look at contemporary mythical figures such as Luke Skywalker (Star Wars) or Frodo Baggins (Lord of the Rings), both lose a part of their body before defeating evil for good. For that matter Darth Vader could symbolize one big blister, and he too eventually finds his own blissful salvation. 
 
In my own life, growing up with dyslexia, I thought of myself as not being very smart, especially in comparison to my younger, very precocious little brother. It took me well into my adulthood, with the support of family, therapy and some great friends that this limiting belief slowly began to transform. Today, though I still struggle with spelling (thank goodness for spellcheck), my personal hardships are such a vital part of who I am today.  
 
If you look back at your own life and think of what stories speak to this notion of overcoming some kind of hardship?
 
Perhaps you’re struggling right now, and it’s definitely worth considering how you see yourself getting through this difficult time, and the way you could possibly transform from this experience.

Feel free to share your stories and ideas to my Facebook page

Slowing Down

While driving back from Whistler this weekend, I decided rather uncharacteristically to pullover, and was able to catch this spectacular post-sunset moment. At first glance, all I could see was grey upon grey, upon more grey, but when I took a breath what revealed itself was a wee peachy-pink cloud floating midst it all. 

 What I love about slowing down is it allows for all of the senses to take things in, appreciate, be curious and truly see the grander picture. When feeling anxious, distressed, angry, frustrated, or my ole standby-impatient, the mind and senses often become rigid. We tend to see things from a binary perspective as being positive-negative, desirable-undesirable and/or some form of accomplishment-failure. 

 To be clear, slowing down doesn’t imply seeing the world through rose coloured glasses, which would be just another dressed up form of rigidity. It’s more about observing what is going on, noticing feelings, sensory experiences, and the story our mind is telling us.  

 The shades of grey photo can represent how the mind often works, wherein the dark and ominous clouds become our experience. If we can remind ourselves to slow down, be curious and expand our awareness, a clearer, fuller and often more compassionate picture will present itself. 

 Hope you’re enjoying the first days of autumn!

Be Still

I had the great fortune of spending time on an Ontario lake this summer, and the above photo is yours truly enjoying a very tranquil morning paddle.

The stillness of the lake, the delicate sounds of canoe moving through water, and even a faint loon call is a memory that I want to hold on to, especially when stressed and feeling ungrounded.

What I realized is most important isn't the memory itself (however pleasant), but the reminder to make time to just be still, even when the world around us is filled with "to do" lists and the daily pressures of life.

Finding those small moments in the course of a day to sit and really get into the simple experiences; your morning coffee or tea, the sights and sounds while walking to work, sitting and observing what’s going on around you, while waiting for a friend at a café or restaurant.

I’m guilty myself of “filling in” every small moment with text/email checks, looking at news feeds or social media updates, and my own daily practice now involves making space for stillness, to be present to what’s around me.

I’m making it my own 30-day challenge, and will keep you posted on how it goes. You’re welcome to join me, and can post any comments, insights or highlights to my FaceBook page

My Yukon Frosty Awakening

Though I'd share a little experience from my Northern Yukon adventure:

The snow was crunching and squeaking under my boots as I walked along the Yukon river, a mere 20 degrees below zero. My face and toes reminded me how vulnerable the elements can make one feel, even if swaddled in layers of down and wool. As my father and I reached the 4 KM mark of our icy tour, all bodily senses gave in to thoughts of the hot soup, the cozy fire, the end. On the return ride home, my cheeks screamed cold and then hot, while feet and hands warmly tingled.....almost home, almost home.                

This might sound rather melodramatic, but it did make me think of the dance that takes place between present moment sensations, and all those thoughts that can carry one away. This is a continuous practice of awareness, and I sometimes have to give myself a little remindful nudge just to be right here right now, rather than get fixated on all of those appetizing longings....                              

My Yukon holiday is almost over, and I'm heading out for one last chilly walk. The intention today and for this coming year is to take in as much of physical surroundings as possible; the beauty and harshness, the tranquility and turmoil, the joy and sorrow. It'll never be quite like this again, and a big part of life is about savouring the next step even in the knowing that something hot and scrumptious awaits at the finish line.

And into the night of his very own room where he found his supper waiting for him......and it was still hot (Where the Wild Things Are).                                               

Be Like A Tree

Notice that the stiffest tree is most easily cracked, while the bamboo or willow survives by bending in the wind.....Bruce Lee
 
Bruce Lee definitely had a Zen approach towards life, and what I think he implied from the above quote was about the importance of being responsive versus reactive when dealing with the unpredictability of life. This has a great deal to do with what George Mumford describes as mental suppleness-believing in one's ability to get quiet and stay connected to that space between stimulus and response. This takes an amazing amount of practice, because it often goes against our hardwired fight or flight impulse, and hence involves a degree of de-conditioning.

On the tennis court, I've had my own battles with anger, frustration and fear (being the stiff tree), all leading to hostility towards myself, my opponent, and nasty cycles of shame and self-loathing. It's actually what brought me to counselling, and my own practice of mindfulness, self-compassion, and generally learning how to be like the willow, more psychologically flexible and emotionally forgiving.

On another personal note, I was lucky enough to grow up with a big willow tree in my backyard, and was always amazed by the way it could withstand even the most brutal storms without a single branch breaking.

Unfortunately that tree is now gone, but the lesson has not been lost.

Be Like A Tree

Elements of Dignity-Acknowledgment (5 of 10)

Acknowledgment: Giving people your full attention by listening, hearing, validating, and responding to their concerns, feelings and experiences. Keep in mind that it doesn't mean you necessarily agree with the person, but you see and acknowledge their suffering, which is often related to feelings of disrespect/indignity.

For future updates you can alternatively follow me  Instagram:

https://www.instagram.com/jevanscounselling

Elements of Dignity-Fairness

Sometimes life truly isn't fair, but we can always strive to live with integrity. I like this quote by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe as well.

"The way you see people is the way you treat them, and the way you treat them is what they become."

For future updates you can alternatively follow me  instagram:

https://www.instagram.com/jevanscounselling

Elements of Dignity-Acknowledgement

Continuing with the 10 Elements of Dignity, the experience from one human being to another of being heard, seen and valued, which can be incredibly healing, especially when one's sense of self-worth has taken a hit. Can you think of a time when you really felt acknowledged, or that you really acknowledged someone else?

Elements of Dignity-Safety

Put people at ease at two levels: physically, so they feel safe from bodily harm, and psychologically, so they feel safe from being humiliated. Help them feel free to speak without fear of retribution.

Elements of Dignity-Inclusion

Elements of Dignity-Inclusion (2 of 10) Working our way through the 10 Elements of Dignity, and involves others feeling that they belong, whatever the relationship-whether they are in your family, community, organization, or nation.

Elements of Dignity-Acceptance

I've been so inspired recently by Donna Hick's book Dignity. So much so that every few days I'm going to share an essential element of her Dignity Model, and really encourage people to leave comments or any insights/revelation. Today is the first of 10, so stay tuned!

Forgiveness

"Forgiveness does not relieve someone of responsibility for what they have done. Forgiveness does not erase accountability. It is not about turning a blind eye or even turning the other cheek. It is not about letting someone off the hook or saying it is okay to do something monstrous. Forgiveness is simply about understanding that every one of us is both inherently good and inherently flawed. Within every hopeless situation and every seemingly hopeless person lies the possibility of transformation.” -Desmond Tutu
The above quote is from The Book of Forgiving by Desmond and Mpho Tutu. Both Desmond and his daughter Mpho helped facilitate the reconciliation process in South Africa, and from this experience created the fourfold path of forgiving. In essence, when we reach out and connect with one another—when we tell the story, name the hurt, grant forgiveness, and renew or release the relationship—our suffering begins to transform.

One of the challenges is moving from concept into practice. Numerous times I've said to myself that I've forgiven someone (or let something go), when in reality it's far from the truth. More often, I've fallen into some kind of conditional trap, wherein, I'll only forgive when the other person has apologized. What struck me from The Book of Forgiving is the importance of recognizing our shared humanity—that inherently we are all good and flawed, and realizing that we may never understand the motivations for the choices/behaviour of others.

I believe there's an incredible connection between forgiveness, transformation and freedom, and that our capacity to forgive may in fact be the salve to contentious times we live in.

Living With Men, Changing Together

It's been hard for me to find the words to describe my thoughts and feelings of the recent outing of movie executive HW. I'm not sure what is more disturbing, the abuse of power, or the fact that so many industry people were seemingly complicit. Perhaps the golden carrot of fame and fortune made people turn a blind eye, or an even more insidious viewpoint, that this is just how the Hollywood operates, so just grin and bare it, and don’t even think about biting the hand that feeds you.

One positive that can be taken from the repugnant actions of HW is that it has opened up a conversation, a willingness for woman to share their stories, and really illuminate the pervasive nature of violence towards women. I say nature, because it is such a deeply rooted part of our society that women have to continually be conscious of their own personal safety and actions, which most men don’t even consider.

How long has that person been walking behind me? Maybe I should cross the street now.

I better not leave my drink at the bar when I go to the washroom.

Who can help me, where can I go? This guy is not getting that I’m not interested.

I guess I’m going to have to ignore that sexist comment, just so I won’t be seen as uptight, or god forbid, a feminist.

The list goes on and on and on, and I’m thinking that this is an opportunity to share some of the messaging that as woman you have to tell yourself to keep safe/protected, or just accept in order to not rock the boat or be seen as difficult, confrontational, etc….

We have a long way to go as a society, and moving towards greater understanding, compassion and a greater sense of internal/external realization (self/other consciousness) are vital for any social change to truly emerge.

The Joys of Couples Counselling

I've never had a literal "kick me" sign taped on my back, but there have been times that couples leave my office with wily grins, like I was unknowingly part of some inside joke. I must say, it's very encouraging when couples leave my office smiling and sharing a good laugh, even if it's at my own expense.....whatever builds connection!!!

While popular culture (as in movies and TV) often paints a rather farcical picture of couples counselling, the last 25 years has scene the field and corresponding research, grow immensely. Don't get me wrong, there's no cure for every relationship, but I'm a big believer that repair/recovery is always possible.

To Be Acknowledged

I've listened to this podcast a few times now, and just love the message around acknowledgment. Esther Perel is one of my favs, and her ability to push clients to hear and truly see one another is remarkable. A great listen, especially if you've ever wondered what couples counselling is all about.

Esther Perel on the importance of acknowledgement